I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
