So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
