I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
