a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize