Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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