i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
