On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
