Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
