Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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