I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
