Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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