matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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