sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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