i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize