Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
