there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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