If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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