so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
