I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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