Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
