I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
