Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
