There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize