I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize