Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
