Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
