You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
