just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
