I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
