I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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