I think I died a long time ago.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
