I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
