also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
