I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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