you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
