I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
