her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
