i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
