I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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