if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize