i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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