Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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