And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
