We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
