All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
