Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
