dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
