I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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