good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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