nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
