God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Someone shattered a urinal.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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