I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
