You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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