She announced her abortion via fbk
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
