I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
