if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
