hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
