am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
