thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We named our party play list daddy issues
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
